Crying without Tears - Panic

When I was younger, early 20's I would cry a lot. Tear up at a commercial, card, etc... but I would also cry, a deep, heaving cry often. I don't know if I was depressed, if It was hormones or if it was my circumstances at the time, but I cried a lot. Tears are cleansing in a sense or a release at the very least.

Now that I am older, my life is too busy to cry.  Too happy to cry? Too fulfilled? Lack of hormones? Not really sure but I don't cry nearly as much as I used too.  I will confess though that there are times when I feel a panic cry inside, I call it crying without tears. It's usually in the mornings and it is an emotion that comes and goes( I let it go).  It is a feeling of panic, like I need to cry and let it all go, but I realize there isn't time or that God is in control and I regain composure.  When I get this particular feeling if often reminds me of the scripture that says that Spirit knows and God knows our minds and weakness of the heart.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.Rom 8:26

God knows my heart, what I am dealing with, the life panic that I feel, and he is my helper.

I remind myself of some very important scripture:

For God has not given me a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self control.
 2 Tim 1:7

So that spirit of sadness, panic or worry, it flees from me and I go about my day.  I have to thank God for the comfort and remembrance of the scriptures that continually help me daily.

Abba Father~Thank you......

Prison Stories: And Freedom

 The metallic taste of metal lingers, is it the dust from the chains that bind you to the addiction? 

Is is the drug that is still in your system? Maybe it's blood in your mouth as you bite down on your flesh. 

As you cry out for help today, tonight you return back to those chains, to that addiction in a effort to numb the pain. You don't even realize the bondage, the binding of the chains because all you can see are those moments that you enjoy-  that you feel nothing but euphoria. The euphoria erases those feelings of failure, those feelings of loss, those feelings of not being good enough, the relationship that you feel is irreconcilable, that awful thing you did....

N U M B

Apathy replaces love, feeling, hope, passion, faith- as the chains that bind you control you. 

In your mind you feel free like a bird as you fly through the air, through life because feeling high is better than feeling life....

R E A L I T Y 

Reality is the realization of life, not that this life is perfect but that we are here for a reason, and we are here to live for something. Reality is a journey to the realization that living and that and being in this life you have purpose.  Some cannot look at reality and realize purpose, you choose to stay bound. You choose a different path, one that doesn't really include walking but being bound. 

Really,  you are bound like a prisoner to your addiction, to the thing slowly destroying the beautiful temple that God created in HIS image. Slow death just to avoid feelings, emotions- that are not comfortable, Comfort is your God and the chains that bind you keep you in a prison that you cannot see. 

Never moving forward, never moving really... just bound, obliviously imprisoned. 

A prison that you cannot control yet you feel in control ... for now, living in the moment. Until you wake up in reality. Then there is a choice: Is today the day you make the change, and stick with it? Is today the day you turn your life around, 360 degrees in another direction with fresh perspective and anew HOPE. Is today the day ? Or do you return to the prison that has you confined to yourself, to comfort, to a slow destruction, a slow bleed, a muffled cry, starvation yet freedom, comfort yet discontent. 

Many say one must get to their lowest point to go up, to get tired of the scraps, starvation, bondage. Tired of the stench, the filth, the dirt on the floors that you sleep. So low even family cannot tolerate you. They are burnt out and tired. Tired of the struggle and being drawn into that struggle. Resources tapped out and they cling to an ounce of self preservation. The family members are holding on the the life boat in the middle of the ocean and begin to swim back to shore to try and find solid ground to regain balance and footing of some normalcy of life. Oh the woe's of addiction... You see, it doesn't just put you in a prison of bondage and suffering- 

others suffer because of their love for you. 

Other's suffer as you use them up and drown them in the ocean of tears and strife.

Matthew 11: 28 -29 says "come to me all who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest". Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls.

H E A V Y 

This life, this life can be heavy, loss, failure, heartaches, injustice - just to name a few, but we can rest in our Savior Jesus Christ. 

We can meditate and pray to a point of euphoria and bliss and calm and peace. Never feeling bound but able to release it to our FATHER.... Yields true freedom. True Freedom means being okay with yourself, your flaws, shortcomings, failures, losses and trusting in Yahweh our Father and that he will meet all our needs both physical and emotionally. Letting Go and Letting GOD.

Today is the day - it is the 360 degree day to turn, repent and trust in HIM. He is a chain breaker and Way Maker, Trust in him today.  Don't you want to experience True Freedom?

C H O O S E